She says, “Geez I always burn these
cupcakes.”
She
never burned cupcakes they were always perfect with amazing icing she
made from scratch and she made it with love or maybe she just wanted
to impress her clients I don't know but when she baked me that cake
for my graduation it was like heaven on a plate but then again she
spent the whole time going on and on about how she couldn't wait to
get out of this place.
I say, “They're
not that burnt. There's still some mix leftover. We could make more.”
She says, “Well
people won't mind too much I guess. Besides I've been in this kitchen
for a while. I'd like to go sit down.”
She
spent days in the kitchen it was all she did then again it was her
job she had a job and she left and gave it all up and for what a
better view out her kitchen window I wonder if she even has a working
oven anymore I wonder if she bakes at all I doubt it she's too tired
but she's happy she says tired but happy always tired but happy so
happy to be away from here oh were we really that bad?
I say, “They
won't mind. I think they look good.”
She says, “They
do look good, don't they? A little bit of icing and they'll be too
beautiful to resist!”
Beautiful
beautiful how many times in my life have I ever been called that half
of the time it was her
telling me sitting me on her lap and telling me I was the most
gorgeous little girl she ever saw telling me that I was beautiful all
the time always beautiful outside and in even when I didn't want to
believe it but she only talks about the eagles now only talks about
the snow and how it shines on her window sill about the beauty of the
land where was she when I needed to hear that the most even when she
said it to me she was still thinking of the snow and how we will
never compare.
I say, “Let's ice
these puppies! When are people getting here?”
She says, “About
an hour. We have time. And people will probably get here late
anyway.”
What
if she walked through
that door right now what if she walked in and pretended everything
could go back to the way it was like she never abandoned us like she
never gave us up like we were nothing like she didn't choose the wide
open frozen plains over her own family like I didn't have to pretend
I couldn't here my mother crying when she never once asked how we
were but instead just went on and on about how happy she was always
happy always so happy never seeming to care if we were okay or not
never seeming to care that we needed her.
I say, “Yeah we
got time. Go sit. I'll clean this up.”
She says, “Gosh,
this will be the first time we've had this much family in this little
house. I hope it can handle it!”
Family
family family do I ever consider her
family do I dare consider her family when she shoved her goddamn
happiness down our throats at every turn until we choked on her
manifest destiny can I consider her family after all the times she's
called us the villains, called us vile, called us manipulative and
selfish when all we do is give and all she does is take and pretend
she's giving no I can't I just can't she's not family I don't care
how many times she called me beautiful that doesn't make family and I
don't need her to tell me to know that she was right.
I say, “Guess
you're right.”
She pauses, and
then says, “Your aunt called earlier. She says hi.”
I
don't care what she says
I don't care she's happy she says she loves us she says I don't care
at all I'll never can care how can I when she doesn't no I don't care
at all she can eat her own damn cupcakes and spend her days looking
out her window because the view is the only thing she'll call
beautiful because I won't let her say it to me anymore no not anymore
she can't talk to me like she's family because I don't need her
poison no I don't care that she called and if she ever comes around
I'll shove these cupcakes into her arms and tell her to go back to
her snowy mountain view because it's where she wants to be anyway she
doesn't want to be around here anymore.
I say, “That's
nice.”