Seashell

She woke up screaming.

Hands grasping at the ceiling,

she cat-yowled gritty euphemisms

through exposed gnashing bones.

I told her

that dreams have a funny way of turning on you,

I know.

I remember that war.

She said,

I have had one great love

in my life.

It was my great white whale,

so gently malicious,

so epic and small.

Small-breasted and radiant,

she heaved into my palms,

“I still dream about him”

like I was supposed to balance the equation

for her.

She said,

I was so pissed

to be the second girl.

She wanted to be the hour girl,

the days weeks months years

reset your calendar girl,

the plural form of everything girl,

the we our you and I

to eye hand in hand

every strand of your hair memorized girl.

she wanted to learn his favorite food,

his favorite lullaby,

she wanted to only ever hear stories about his

favorite goodbye.

I held her hand

through the honesty

and the shrapnel,

felt her rollicking waves crash

cymbal gentle on my Casper knees.

She fell right through me,

like I was the memory.

Through the dark hours,

I watched her,

my lips blue and cracked.

Her eyes held the ceiling up;

her hands wrung me out of thin air.

So I stopped.

Turned.

Breathed.

The scales were never

in my favor.

I could never hope to compete

with that kind of grief.

 

When she licks her lips and 

tastes heartbreak,

there I will be,

reminding her that the sound of my voice

is tidal.

I will tell her,

when the seashell is pressed to her ear,

I have loved you more

than most,

and I will love you most

of more

and greater than great.

and I will hope that

just once

she hears me.

Abusive Muse

Abusive Muse

When I look at you

I don’t know what to do

You are so bright

Singeing my eyelids

But I can’t look away

I’m forced to hold your gaze

Captivated in me

The closest a man can get

Impregnated

Not a madwoman in an attic

But a madman in a basement

I have to descend to your level

Spiral staircase so steep

I slip and descend into your deep

More rabbithole than hellhole

Satan is there for someone else

And so is the Mad Hatter

My muse is not a caffeinated 

Tipsy tea drinker teeter-totter

My muse has been known to

Crash tea parties with liquor parties

Saving the hardest stuff for himself

Among other things

He’s in the backroom

Amid a cyclone of cigarette smoke

Clouding an inscrutable face

But you can see the fiery grin

That makes women swoon

And cross their thighs

As he keeps them entertained

They want a better look to please him

He thinks they are cute when sedated

And inebriated

His eyes are windows

Obscuring dynamite explosions

Yet you wonder with curiosity

Just what goes on beyond those windowshades

Impeccable tar black tuxedo

The charismatic dynamo

From the masked dynamic temper

Emerges temperamental poetry

From an uneven temperament 

When I suppress him with medication

I give him an elevator

So he can work with me

For as long as I can stand him

You can only let something burn so much

Before getting out the fire extinguisher

But God help me if he’s fully functioning

Because he steals my steering wheel

Shit goes south from there

Not too far but far enough

To not want to go further

We have an uneven truce

I keep my white handkerchief

In my back pocket

Just in case he is feeling nasty

He wants to meet me in bars

Behind a fresh pool cue

I want to meet him at my computer

Among the chatter of keys

And the beat of my heart

Things don’t always work out

But we can’t fight out loud

I need the self-control to contain him.

To hide this strange Hyde

But I hear him in my audible brain

The cavern of my head

Loud and clear and quite insane

Wanting to wrest control of this ship

That I hope is headed for the sunset

But now headed towards the moon

Close enough I guess

With the midnight stars in our mind’s eye

Good Wishes for a Best Friend

Breathe.

Can you feel it?

Can you feel this moment? It’s like the end of a long hum. One that you have held on a single breath. A hum that you have held so long that your eyes became heavy and your mind came to rest on that single note—that steady vibration.

You held on—held that hum, that drone—but soon that breath was stretched as far as its particles would allow, and a muted silence began to rise on the tail end of that steady tune.

Now,

it is quiet.

Now—it is time for a new breath.

Amanda, it is time to start humming again.

I am so happy for you, my angel. Even if my tears convince you otherwise. My heart is literally bursting with pride, hope, prayers, good wishes, kisses and an overpowering amount of unconditional love.  You are the biggest miracle in my life. And not because you dance with me like no one is watching at any given moment (although that IS pretty incredible).  But because you saw me. You saw me and felt my vacant heart when no one else could. You stuck with me through the most difficult, rapidly and intensely changing years of my life and never once forgot about me or wrote me off—you stayed with me.  And I clung to you like air.

Mandy, you help me find myself again. You taught me how to love, not only myself, but everyone I meet. And I fucking hate people haha.

The world needs more people like you—and because your energy is so insanely infectious, the world can have more people like you.  I remember when you told me they don’t have lightning on the west coast.  All I kept thinking was, they just haven’t met you yet. 

I believe in you Mandy, just like you believed in me.  You can do anything because you don’t cap your mind off at the possible.  There are no boundaries to your happiness because you realize that there are always more good times to be had.  Always more smiles to pass and more love to grasp. I believe you are what God had in mind when he created the Sun…an effervescent endless ball of energy, reaching all that wished to be kissed by it’s touch.  Just like the Sun, you were raised in the East, born to set in the West.  This is your God given path, Mandy.  Don’t be afraid of this next step—this next breath.  This is what you need. This is your chance to cover the world in your rainbow.  And don’t you worry about me—I will keep my eyes on the sky.

I love you to pieces.  I am always, always here for you.  There will always be a place on my bosom for your little head.  There will always be a hum in my heart in sync with the tune of yours, no matter how far, no matter how long.  Be safe my sweet angel.  Don’t let any west coast wackadoodles disrespect you over there. Always rep jersey.  Always laugh loudly.  And always, always remember, with your hand on your heart and a hum timed in tune, you are never, ever far from home.

With love, as deep as the ocean,

your hummingbird,

kat