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Monday, September 23, 2013

Seashell

She woke up screaming.
Hands grasping at the ceiling,
she cat-yowled gritty euphemisms
through exposed gnashing bones.
I told her
that dreams have a funny way of turning on you,
I know.
I remember that war.

She said,
I have had one great love
in my life.
It was my great white whale,
so gently malicious,
so epic and small.
Small-breasted and radiant,
she heaved into my palms,
“I still dream about him”
like I was supposed to balance the equation
for her.

She said,
I was so pissed
to be the second girl.
She wanted to be the hour girl,
the days weeks months years
reset your calendar girl,
the plural form of everything girl,
the we our you and I
to eye hand in hand
every strand of your hair memorized girl.
she wanted to learn his favorite food,
his favorite lullaby,
she wanted to only ever hear stories about his
favorite goodbye.
I held her hand
through the honesty
and the shrapnel,
felt her rollicking waves crash
cymbal gentle on my Casper knees.
She fell right through me,
like I was the memory.

Through the dark hours,
I watched her,
my lips blue and cracked.
Her eyes held the ceiling up;
her hands wrung me out of thin air.

So I stopped.
Turned.


Breathed.


The scales were never
in my favor.
I could never hope to compete
with that kind of grief.
 
When she licks her lips and 
tastes heartbreak,
there I will be,
reminding her that the sound of my voice
is tidal.
I will tell her,
when the seashell is pressed to her ear,

I have loved you more
than most,
and I will love you most
of more
and greater than great.

and I will hope that
just once
she hears me.

Abusive Muse

Abusive Muse

When I look at you
I don’t know what to do
You are so bright
Singeing my eyelids
But I can’t look away
I’m forced to hold your gaze
Captivated in me
The closest a man can get
Impregnated

Not a madwoman in an attic
But a madman in a basement
I have to descend to your level
Spiral staircase so steep
I slip and descend into your deep
More rabbithole than hellhole
Satan is there for someone else
And so is the Mad Hatter
My muse is not a caffeinated 
Tipsy tea drinker teeter-totter

My muse has been known to
Crash tea parties with liquor parties
Saving the hardest stuff for himself
Among other things
He’s in the backroom
Amid a cyclone of cigarette smoke
Clouding an inscrutable face
But you can see the fiery grin
That makes women swoon
And cross their thighs
As he keeps them entertained
They want a better look to please him
He thinks they are cute when sedated
And inebriated

His eyes are windows
Obscuring dynamite explosions
Yet you wonder with curiosity
Just what goes on beyond those windowshades
Impeccable tar black tuxedo
The charismatic dynamo
From the masked dynamic temper
Emerges temperamental poetry
From an uneven temperament 

When I suppress him with medication
I give him an elevator
So he can work with me
For as long as I can stand him
You can only let something burn so much
Before getting out the fire extinguisher
But God help me if he’s fully functioning
Because he steals my steering wheel
Shit goes south from there
Not too far but far enough
To not want to go further

We have an uneven truce
I keep my white handkerchief
In my back pocket
Just in case he is feeling nasty
He wants to meet me in bars
Behind a fresh pool cue
I want to meet him at my computer
Among the chatter of keys
And the beat of my heart

Things don’t always work out
But we can’t fight out loud
I need the self-control to contain him.
To hide this strange Hyde
But I hear him in my audible brain
The cavern of my head
Loud and clear and quite insane
Wanting to wrest control of this ship
That I hope is headed for the sunset
But now headed towards the moon
Close enough I guess

With the midnight stars in our mind’s eye

Good Wishes for a Best Friend


Breathe.










Can you feel it?
Can you feel this moment? It’s like the end of a long hum. One that you have held on a single breath. A hum that you have held so long that your eyes became heavy and your mind came to rest on that single note—that steady vibration.
You held on—held that hum, that drone—but soon that breath was stretched as far as its particles would allow, and a muted silence began to rise on the tail end of that steady tune.
Now,
it is quiet.
Now—it is time for a new breath.
Amanda, it is time to start humming again.

I am so happy for you, my angel. Even if my tears convince you otherwise. My heart is literally bursting with pride, hope, prayers, good wishes, kisses and an overpowering amount of unconditional love.  You are the biggest miracle in my life. And not because you dance with me like no one is watching at any given moment (although that IS pretty incredible).  But because you saw me. You saw me and felt my vacant heart when no one else could. You stuck with me through the most difficult, rapidly and intensely changing years of my life and never once forgot about me or wrote me off—you stayed with me.  And I clung to you like air.

Mandy, you help me find myself again. You taught me how to love, not only myself, but everyone I meet. And I fucking hate people haha.
The world needs more people like you—and because your energy is so insanely infectious, the world can have more people like you.  I remember when you told me they don’t have lightning on the west coast.  All I kept thinking was, they just haven’t met you yet. 


I believe in you Mandy, just like you believed in me.  You can do anything because you don’t cap your mind off at the possible.  There are no boundaries to your happiness because you realize that there are always more good times to be had.  Always more smiles to pass and more love to grasp. I believe you are what God had in mind when he created the Sun…an effervescent endless ball of energy, reaching all that wished to be kissed by it’s touch.  Just like the Sun, you were raised in the East, born to set in the West.  This is your God given path, Mandy.  Don’t be afraid of this next step—this next breath.  This is what you need. This is your chance to cover the world in your rainbow.  And don’t you worry about me—I will keep my eyes on the sky.

I love you to pieces.  I am always, always here for you.  There will always be a place on my bosom for your little head.  There will always be a hum in my heart in sync with the tune of yours, no matter how far, no matter how long.  Be safe my sweet angel.  Don’t let any west coast wackadoodles disrespect you over there. Always rep jersey.  Always laugh loudly.  And always, always remember, with your hand on your heart and a hum timed in tune, you are never, ever far from home.

With love, as deep as the ocean,
your hummingbird,
kat


Monday, November 12, 2012

Nightwolf Prologue


Prologue
The silver disc that was the crescent moon silently climbed its way into the night sky as a whispering breeze beckoned through the mix of pines and oaks in the autumn valley.  The breeze soon grew to a solid wind and the entity began to carry with it the dusting of leaves that had collected on the soggy forest floor.  The wind swam through the trees as the decaying leaves smacked the sides of the trunks and though they did their best, the forest eventually filtered out the leaves as the lonesome wind slowly began to die out.
A herd of ash-colored clouds began to huddle into the star-scattered sky as the evening wore on, and the moon eventually became but a blot of light, dimmed and blurred yet surprisingly out of place in the otherwise darkened valley.  Far below the ominous heavens, a dirt path that had collected pockets of mud cut a distinct path through the dampened grasses and bushes that littered the forest debris.  Somewhere along the path, headed gradually downhill was a pair of young boys not much older than ten years of age.  One was slightly taller than the other, yet both were garbed in dirtied black and brown cloaks that allowed them to blend in to the night.
Had it not been for the lantern that the taller boy carried, the two would have been completely invisible.  Holstered upon a long, frail pole rested a small, rectangular box that glowed yellow and orange.  With each step, the Victorian-style lantern swung back and forth as the miniature flame within flickered and danced wildly.  Despite the eerie silence of the night, the boys still couldn’t hear the flame as it silently screamed and desperately tried to escape from its cage.
“How much further is it?” the younger boy asked as a cloud of fog emanated from his thin mouth as he spoke.
“Not much,” the taller boy answered while he sniffed heavily and withdrew a wet droplet that hung at the edge of his nostril back up into his sinus, “Maybe a mile.”
“It’s been dark for a while.  You know we shouldn’t be in the forest after dark,” the younger boy said.
“What, are you afraid of the boogieman?” the taller boy teased, poking the other boy’s ribs before laughing profusely.
“Stop it, Nick, that isn’t funny” the shorter boy said sternly as his knees began to shake and tremor.
“Don’t tell me that you actually believe in any of that, Sam,” Nick replied, “Grown-ups only tell us those things to scare us and make sure we eat our vegetables and do our homework.  None of it is actually real.”
“But my mom told me that a few years ago that a boy went missing near these woods,” Sam refuted, lowering the hood on his cloak slightly.
“He probably went off the trail or something,” Nick replied, “Just make sure you don’t- fall off!”
With that, the taller boy shoved the unsuspecting shorter boy off the trail and into a patch of wet, dying bushes whose countless, tiny arms wrapped around and clung to the boy.
Squirming and thrashing about violently, Sam tore his clothing on the bushes as he screamed and frantically tried to free himself from the lifeless grasp.
“Nick! Help!!” he howled.
Nick did nothing initially but cackle with laughter, barely holding onto the lantern at times as he did.
Suddenly, Nick saw a flash of red in the darkness where Sam struggled.  His eyes widened and he immediately set the lantern down, nearly breaking its cage.
“Sam, calm down,” Nick told him as he tried setting his friend free from the thorns, “Stop moving!  It’s just a bush!”
With Nick’s help, Sam slowly began to calm down and be set free from the plant’s claws.  As his breathing slowed, Sam rose to his feet and began brushing himself off.  Nick noticed the tears in Sam’s clothing where the thorns had shredded his cloaks and skin underneath.  Sam struggled to catch his breath in-between uncontrollable sobbing while Nick helped dry his tears with his dirtied fingers.
“It’s okay Sam, you’re okay,” Nick told him as he picked up the lantern once more and noticed a slight crack in one of the glass panes, “I know you were scared, but it wasn’t anything.”
“Why would you do that?” Sam asked, wiping his eyes dry and finding his ability to speak clearly once more.
Nick pondered that question for a moment, staring out into space and getting lost in his thoughts.
“Why did I do that?” he thought to himself, “Was it because I’m bigger?  Was it because I simply could?”
“I don’t know,” Nick finally answered solemnly.
“I was really scared, Nick,” Sam groaned as the two continued on their way once more.
“There’s nothing dangerous out here though,” Nick replied, “Nothing will hurt us.”
With that, another wind suddenly pushed its way into the valley and through the thick trees until it swept around the two boys.  The massive gale curled around their cloaks and tugged at their legs.  The winds that blew over the valley also pushed out the herds of blackened clouds overhead, bringing the full moon into focus once more.  The winds brought with it a haunting howl that swam through the trees with ease.  The haunting cry was immense and deep, piercing the heavy cloaks of the boys and sending a lightning bolt of fear into the core of the boys.  They froze in terror as the roar rose and fell like an alarm and as the blood rushed from their veins.  Their breathing halted as the cold wind filled their lungs, and their skin quickly grew cold.  With the last of the dying breeze, the colossal howl ceased as well, yet an unsettling silence surrounded the duo.
“Run,” Nick whispered, staring off into the darkness uphill where he sensed that the danger originated.
Sam suddenly took off, sprinting down the dirt path, further downhill into the shadow yet Nick remained for a moment, holding the lantern with a shaky hand.  Nick stood with his knees ready to buckle as he peered into the distant darkness between the trees.  He focused his attention to his ears which perked up slightly as he heard a distant rustling.
The blood dropped from his face and a flash of white came over him as the rustling in the darkness swiftly grew closer and closer.  His legs and arms quivered while his impending doom ran closer towards him.  The sounds of rustling rose to a fast-paced galloping mixed with a tearing apart of the bushes and small trees until they suddenly stopped right before they came to Nick.  There, in the midst of the fear and darkness that Nick stood before were a pair of orange eyes that glowed with a furious, bewitching glare that burned away at Nick’s mind.  As his thoughts exited his mind, the pair of orange gems narrowed as a frightening growl emanated from the darkness.  The nearly invisible beast blew a thick smoke from its lungs as it stared at the young boy who could do nothing but stare back.  Slowly, the beast stepped forward from the darkness to reveal a gargantuan wolf with a slight humanoid physique.  Though it stood on two legs, the beast seemed to also use it’s two front arms topped with charcoal claws as support.  It’s snout was curled and it’s dark nostrils were flared.  As the beast stepped closer and closer towards Nick out of the darkness, it revealed more of it’s dark-grey coat, littered with dirt and cuts.
Nick’s shallow breathing had come to a full stop as the demon had come out of the brush and onto the trail, it’s growling becoming more ferocious with each step.  Nick stepped back as the monster suddenly raised one of its claws to him.  He took a second step back and the colossal wolf roared as it swiped at the young boy.  The claws tore at his sleeve, ripping cloth and flesh alike and sending the young boy spinning and flying to the ground.  As the boy fell, he lost grip of the lantern which shattered upon impact with the ground.
The candle within the lantern had finally escaped its cage and burst into a miniature inferno before swiftly dying.  As the only light in the forest had died, only the bright, full moon remained overhead, providing just enough light for Nick to see that the crimson gushing from his arm had turned black.  Staring up at the beast that had come over him, the boy could see only the silver outline of the demon’s fur, vaguely illuminated from the moonlight and the pair of gems that rested in the beast’s eyes and that had grown bright and piercing once more.
The boy’s breathing halted once more as he clutched his wounded arm.  With mouth agape in sheer terror, the boy tightly closed his eyes.
“It’s only a dream,” he told himself as he felt the thick arms of the brute grab him, “It’s only a dream.”
Just above the lacerations on his arm, Nick felt a fire tear into his shoulder as the teeth sunk through his skin and into his flesh and bone.  Screaming in agony, the boy had become overwhelmed and his senses were lost.  His pain and terror seeped away and his mind became lost to the darkness of his dreams.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Unsaid

(Here's the thing I read in the meeting tonight, since I thought the "stream of conscious" bits might have been a little hard to understand since I was reading them so quickly.)


She says, “Geez I always burn these cupcakes.”

She never burned cupcakes they were always perfect with amazing icing she made from scratch and she made it with love or maybe she just wanted to impress her clients I don't know but when she baked me that cake for my graduation it was like heaven on a plate but then again she spent the whole time going on and on about how she couldn't wait to get out of this place.

I say, “They're not that burnt. There's still some mix leftover. We could make more.”

She says, “Well people won't mind too much I guess. Besides I've been in this kitchen for a while. I'd like to go sit down.”

She spent days in the kitchen it was all she did then again it was her job she had a job and she left and gave it all up and for what a better view out her kitchen window I wonder if she even has a working oven anymore I wonder if she bakes at all I doubt it she's too tired but she's happy she says tired but happy always tired but happy so happy to be away from here oh were we really that bad?

I say, “They won't mind. I think they look good.”

She says, “They do look good, don't they? A little bit of icing and they'll be too beautiful to resist!”

Beautiful beautiful how many times in my life have I ever been called that half of the time it was her telling me sitting me on her lap and telling me I was the most gorgeous little girl she ever saw telling me that I was beautiful all the time always beautiful outside and in even when I didn't want to believe it but she only talks about the eagles now only talks about the snow and how it shines on her window sill about the beauty of the land where was she when I needed to hear that the most even when she said it to me she was still thinking of the snow and how we will never compare.

I say, “Let's ice these puppies! When are people getting here?”

She says, “About an hour. We have time. And people will probably get here late anyway.”

What if she walked through that door right now what if she walked in and pretended everything could go back to the way it was like she never abandoned us like she never gave us up like we were nothing like she didn't choose the wide open frozen plains over her own family like I didn't have to pretend I couldn't here my mother crying when she never once asked how we were but instead just went on and on about how happy she was always happy always so happy never seeming to care if we were okay or not never seeming to care that we needed her.

I say, “Yeah we got time. Go sit. I'll clean this up.”

She says, “Gosh, this will be the first time we've had this much family in this little house. I hope it can handle it!”

Family family family do I ever consider her family do I dare consider her family when she shoved her goddamn happiness down our throats at every turn until we choked on her manifest destiny can I consider her family after all the times she's called us the villains, called us vile, called us manipulative and selfish when all we do is give and all she does is take and pretend she's giving no I can't I just can't she's not family I don't care how many times she called me beautiful that doesn't make family and I don't need her to tell me to know that she was right.

I say, “Guess you're right.”

She pauses, and then says, “Your aunt called earlier. She says hi.”

I don't care what she says I don't care she's happy she says she loves us she says I don't care at all I'll never can care how can I when she doesn't no I don't care at all she can eat her own damn cupcakes and spend her days looking out her window because the view is the only thing she'll call beautiful because I won't let her say it to me anymore no not anymore she can't talk to me like she's family because I don't need her poison no I don't care that she called and if she ever comes around I'll shove these cupcakes into her arms and tell her to go back to her snowy mountain view because it's where she wants to be anyway she doesn't want to be around here anymore.

I say, “That's nice.”

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Paper Covers Rock


If we were a game,
Our console wouldn’t need HD graphics
Dozens of handguns, grenades, or shields
We do not play deathmatches, but I yield
To you. To your clockwise quarter circle punch button
Special move.
To your T-virus busting, quick time event trigger finger
Hard pressed and pressing harder,
Making each bullet stronger
Until you’ve lost the life behind the screen
Died a million deaths, fragged a thousand more
Saved the princess and the toads at the end
Of a nine dungeon tour

Kept armies on the floor with your DPS
Beat the extra-hard computer at Windows Chess
And I have been impressed by less and less
Than this.

Love, let’s make a party.
I’ll be your elven priest
You can be the half-demon knight tank
We can play the pegs at Cracker Barrel
Black and red Checkers on the front porch at home
When your constitution gets low,
I’ll cast ‘Dinner and a Night Alone.’
You’ve always been too tough to cut into
But I know you’re not made of stone.

When we first met,
I covered up your rocky edges
With my flat-hand paper.
They wonder how the surly rock
Could ever be beaten by a wind-blown sheet
But I know for a fact
The rock writes with sediment
Outside the paper's wrapping lines

Until his jagged bones are smooth again,
The paper has a few prideful holes,
And they can love.


Without any clear victor.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

This Thing Called Redemption


(Ummm...I made a thing? Critique is appreciated. I'm kind of still working on it. :3)

There’s this thing called redemption
And it feels like a song.
It vibrates on your nerves
And makes you want to stretch your wings
And sing
Just for a ache of it.

This thing called redemption
Makes grown men weep
And angels keep their halos
Clutched tight against their chests
For fear that they’ll be ripped 
From them 
If they dare to fly too close to it.
But it shines
And bids them come
Despite the cold
And rain
Outside 

This thing called redemption
Sends gods plummeting to earth
To walk among the demons
That dare call themselves human
And pulls the dead from their caskets
To let them go another round,
Because we’re not done yet, they say
We’ve got some fight left in us
And we’ve got business that needs finishing
Before we rest for good.

This thing called redemption
Is an act of God
And an act of man
Both bound together into something ferocious.
It makes you shake
And shiver in your boots

Because this thing called redemption
Is the song of angels and humanity,
Of ice and blazing fire,
Of gods and their creations,
And it’s terrifying
And mystifying
And hauntingly powerful.
It leaves marks on your flesh and your soul
That will never go away
No matter how hard you scrub.
It stays with you always,
This thing called redemption.

Maybe it was there all along
Lying in wait like a shadow-bound predator
Or a watchful guardian.
Because this thing called redemption
Lives within our very souls
But we can’t think to name it that
When we feel it,
Because we can’t believe it,
Because we know we don’t deserve it
Even if we do.

So when this thing called redemption
Blazes to life within us
We take a breath
And hold it tight
And call it love instead.