Sunday, October 7, 2012
This Thing Called Redemption
(Ummm...I made a thing? Critique is appreciated. I'm kind of still working on it. :3)
There’s this thing called redemption
And it feels like a song.
It vibrates on your nerves
And makes you want to stretch your wings
And sing
Just for a ache of it.
This thing called redemption
Makes grown men weep
And angels keep their halos
Clutched tight against their chests
For fear that they’ll be ripped
From them
If they dare to fly too close to it.
But it shines
And bids them come
Despite the cold
And rain
Outside
This thing called redemption
Sends gods plummeting to earth
To walk among the demons
That dare call themselves human
And pulls the dead from their caskets
To let them go another round,
Because we’re not done yet, they say
We’ve got some fight left in us
And we’ve got business that needs finishing
Before we rest for good.
This thing called redemption
Is an act of God
And an act of man
Both bound together into something ferocious.
It makes you shake
And shiver in your boots
Because this thing called redemption
Is the song of angels and humanity,
Of ice and blazing fire,
Of gods and their creations,
And it’s terrifying
And mystifying
And hauntingly powerful.
It leaves marks on your flesh and your soul
That will never go away
No matter how hard you scrub.
It stays with you always,
This thing called redemption.
Maybe it was there all along
Lying in wait like a shadow-bound predator
Or a watchful guardian.
Because this thing called redemption
Lives within our very souls
But we can’t think to name it that
When we feel it,
Because we can’t believe it,
Because we know we don’t deserve it
Even if we do.
So when this thing called redemption
Blazes to life within us
We take a breath
And hold it tight
And call it love instead.
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Well you already know I love this.
ReplyDeleteNonetheless, I'm glad you worked up the nerve to be the first to post something to the blog!
That being said, here's where I promptly and without delay tear it apart.
If there was anything -to- tear apart.
Learning in my poetry class, there's something to be said for writing in images, which you've done with references to gods and demons. There's a lot of action in this and it's memorable of Robert Frost's A Song of Ice and Fire. That's a good thing. I know the source material is very much like that too.
Also, WHY DID YOU TAKE OUT THE CHRYSLER LINE!?
Considering this is poetry about a fanfiction about a TV series, it's also very general and relatable. You pulled a theme from a mythos and made it into something on it's own, and I commend you for that. :3
There are spots where you use words like 'Vibrate,' 'blazes,' 'shake and shiver,' and even more that elicit a physical response from the reader. If I had one suggestion, it would be to read it over, have someone read it to you and see if you find spots where there could be more dynamic verbs in place. Redemption is a very vague theme and you've executed it well in this poem, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have even more physical parts to it in these stanzas that can be tapped into.
Anyway, that's a rough critique at best. I hope you found it helpful!
I really loved this poem!! The imagery was fluid and the action drew a full out battle scene in my brain! Heaven and hell were fixated on each other in such vivid contrast here--so well written!
ReplyDeleteSmall edits: first stanza, last line..."an ache" instead of "a" ...but that kind of crap happens all too obnoxiously.
Also, in your 3rd to last stanza the first line, to me, sounded a bit contrived. Test it aloud with your own ear but I switched out "Because this thing called redemption" for "Because Redemption". The capital 'R' seemed appropriate for the fifth stanza because the four stanzas prior open with the same line but each give us examples to support. This being said, by the fifth stanza I think it would be okay to allow 'Redemption' the weight it deserves--making "grown men weep" is nothing sissy!
Great work! Keep it up :)
I really liked the use of repetition and and it flowed very well (at least when I read it aloud). Perhaps you could add in a bit more imagery or tie together your themes a little more to paint a finer picture as to what redemption means to you. Nonetheless, I thought "Redemption" was a wonderful read and I'd be very interested to see where it goes!
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